


Lester's a 9.5

by sketzocase



Category: Dark Avengers (Comic), Dark Wolverine (Comics)
Genre: Crack, Dark Avengers Shenanigans, Disease, F/M, Humor, M/M, cursing, truth telling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-08-24 01:57:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16630673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sketzocase/pseuds/sketzocase
Summary: The 'Avengers' have quite a botched mission. Leading to a mysterious illness that has some very... entertaining side effects.





	Lester's a 9.5

**Author's Note:**

> So I don't know what's up with the Bullseye tag. The usual one is gone and all that's left is the DD one-which don't get me wrong, I loved him in that. 
> 
> But if you're looking for that version, I am sorry to disappoint and offer instead a Dark Avengers version. 
> 
> last one shot I'll do (minus the two holiday ones- but that's neither here nor there). And thanks for reading!

“So until we know what exactly the disease is and if it is contagious,” Norman stares around the room at his ‘team’, “No one is to go in that room.” He points to the bedroom door. “It is quarantined. Do you understand?” 

The men in the room are very quiet.

Everyone stands in their bloodied and torn ‘borrowed’ uniforms. Lester sans mask due to his flat refusal to wear it.Their mission today did not go well and ended in a contaminated team member.

“I for one, understand, Norman,” Karla says, tossing her blonde hair over her shoulder. “And I do not hold you the least bit responsible for almost causing one of your biggest powerhouses and one of our only regenerators to die.” She adjusts the torn shoulder of her red and black spandex- she’s asked for a while to be given Carol Danvers ‘original’ black and yellow Ms. Marvel suit and has been repeatedly turned down for reasons not yet to be explained. It was probably her intention to ruin this one beyond repair- as she seems to have done judging by how much skin is showing through it.

Norman straightens his tie (him being the only one to have gotten to change at this point after an unfortunate malfunction that’s been affecting The Iron Patriot suit for the last week or so)- unsure of how to take Karla’s extremely backhanded compliment. “Yes. Uh, thank you.” He looks to the men of the room. “No one is to go in that room.” He says, pointing a finger at them. “Do you understand?”

“Yea yea, we get it Normie. No one goes into the room.” Lester reclines in his seat on the couch. “Now will ya fuck off? I’m watching the game.”

“Mac?” Norman turns to the symbiote covered man who’s downing a jar of mayonnaise. He’s momentarily too disgusted to speak.

“OH, Mac.” Karla sighs, shaking her head. “Honey no.”

“What?” The man puts the jar down, confusion filtering over his otherwise obstructed face.

“Just… don’t go in the room.” Norman sighs. “Please.”

“Aye aye captain. Hey has anyone seen the sauerkraut?”

Lester and Karla share knowing glances.

“Ares, Sentry, with me,” Norman says, turning heel and leaving, followed by the two men.

The leftover ‘Avengers’ are quiet for a second.

“Wanna take bets on if pretty boy dies?” Lester asks.

“I’ll put a twenty on ‘almost dies but lives at the last second’,” Mac says, licking his fingers clean with Venom’s unearthly long tongue.

“I bet he dies,” Lester says.

The two men turn to Karla.

“Argh, if I must, my bet is on lives.”

“Okay-”

“If we’re getting an honest bet,” Karla says, looking around at her companions with a stern glare. “We have to agree that no one helps him one way or the other.” She points at Lester. “No stab wounds,” She turns to Mac, “No bite marks or missing limbs.”

“Please, Karla.” Lester scoffs. “I am offended that you would think so little of us.”

“Is that so?” The woman crosses her arms. “Then put down the toothpicks.”

“What- these old things?” Lester says showing her the full container. “I was just usin’ em.”

“Then put them down.”

“I’m not going to use them on him,” Lester growls.

“Then put them down,” Karla repeats, raising one perfectly sculpted eyebrow.

“Fine.” Lester throws the small plastic container on the coffee table in front of him. It ricochets and hits Mac in the jaw hard enough to earn a throaty growl from the man. “Ha.”

Karla takes a seat in the plush chair across from the couch that Lester’s claimed as his own.

“So… we’re just going to wait until he croaks?” Mac asks.

“It would appear so.” Karla inspects her fingernails. “We should know one way or the other when the next doctor takes his vitals.”

“Argh.” Mac groans, sitting on the floor. “That’s going to take forever.”

“Less than an hour.” Karla corrects.

“So we’re just gonna sit here… for an hour? An entire hour? Twenty bucks ain’t worth that.”

Lester reaches for a magazine.

“Hold it right there.” Karla quickly takes it and shakes it out, removing all coupon and advertisement inserts. “Here you go.” She hands it back.

“I wasn’t going to use it to kill him,” Lester says nonchalantly.

“Yes, I’m sure you were reading ‘Better Homes and Gardens’ for your own enjoyment,” Karla says.

“Oh is that the new one?” Mac perks up.

Karla and Lester look at him curiously.

“What?” He shrinks a little in his spot. “I like housekeeping magazines.”

“That alien eat your balls- Mac?” Lester asks, sinking back into the leather couches cushions and looking up at the ceiling.

“No!” Mac says defensively. “There’s nothing wrong with liking nice things!”

“Sure there isn’t.” Lester hums.

“There isn’t!”

“Uh-hmm.”

“Boys.” Karla sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose.

The three fall into silence.

“So when he says contagious….” Lester drawls. “How ‘contagious’ is contagious?”

“He doesn’t even know if it  _ is _ contagious.” Mac shoots webbing up at the ceiling- it lands alongside several pencils that the housing staff of thus far been unable to unlodge.

“Soooo… it might not be?” Lester asks.

“What are you getting at?” Karla asks, crossing her legs at the knee and leaning forward- like she was performing an interview.

“I’m saying… Mac is basically immune to diseases right?”

“What-”

“In theory.” Karla agrees.

“Guys-”

“Then we send him in just to see if pretty boy’s kicked the bucket or not. Bada bing, bada boom- bets over no more waiting.” Lester continues talking over Mac’s protests.

Karla turns to Mac. “It’s not a bad idea.” She bats her eyes at the alien covered man.

“Oh no no no.” He says, holding his hands up. “You’re not talking me into another damn thing. Take those baby blues to another man because Mac Gargan is not buying.”

“I’ll show you a private picture I took in the showers.” She purrs.

Mac looks around the room as if for assistance.

“I’ll just stab you if you don’t,” Lester says with a laugh. “Really, really REALLY hard.”

“Guys…” Mac groans.

“Do it for me, Mac?” Karla asks. “Pretty please?”

“Or else.” Lester sits up in his seat, taking a knife out of his boot.

“Boot knife… come on man, that’s disgusting.”

“And it’s sharp too,” Lester says with an evil grin.

“FINE.” Mac huffs. “But if I get sick I’m  _ eating _ both of you.”

“That’s fair,” Karla says happily.

“And I still want that picture.” He growls, standing to his feet.

“Your wish is my command,” Karla says smugly.

Mac hesitates behind the couch- in the eye line of the door.

“Bets on him getting stabbed?” Lester asks quietly.

“Not betting on a sure thing.” Karla says with an eye-roll.

Mac steels himself- he’s wearing an alien, for god's sake. He can go into a room!

He moves quietly to the door- turning around to look over his shoulder.

Lester points violently and Karla shoos him with her hand.

“Ugh.” he groans, slowly pushing the door open. “Daken?”

The room is humid with steam from vaporizers.  Other than that- it’s perfectly spotless.

To the corner of the room- the Wolverine uniform hangs in a hanger on the outside of his closet.

“Are you dead yet?” He asks, moving further into the room. He comes in sight of the bed. “Ugh- you look like you’re dead,” Mac says.

There’s no response.

“I’m just gonna say you’re dead.” He turns around.

Daken mumbles something from the bed.

“Ah shit. Not dead.” He turns around. “What was that?”

Daken opens his eyes- and they are milky blue. Like he’s blind.

“Can you … see me?” Mac asks.  

“...noooo.”

“Really?”

Daken turns on his side.

“Can you smell me?”

“Nooo.”

“Do you know who’s talking to you?” He presses.

“An idiot.” Daken groans.

“Hey- that’s not nice!” Mac growls.

“....sorry.”

“Well you should-” Mac stops, sentence dying on his tongue. “Did you just apologize to me?”

“Yes.”

“Wow. Why?”

“I was sorry.” his voice sounds … un Daken-ish- it’s the only way Mac can think to describe it.

“Yea? It’s okay. I’ve been called worse.”

“Hmmp.”

“Okay…. So… are you dying?”

“Nooooo. Just… rebooting.”

“Rebooting?”

“Uh-hmm.”

“Like a robot?”

“Sort of.” he wheezes.

“.. are you a robot Daken?”

“No. Mutant.”

“.... and you’re not dying?”

“Noo.”

Mac is made curious by how many answers Daken is giving him.   Usually, the man tells him to fuck off or threatens to stab him.

“Daken… how old are you?”

“Seventy-three.” He replies sleepily.

“How tall are you?”

“5 ‘8.”

“Not 5’ 10?”

“Boots… add two inches.” Daken groans.

“Wow.” Mac is taken aback by the honesty. “Who ate all my cereal?”

“Ngh- no one. I dumped it out because you were being an ass.”

Mac’s theory is correct- in his mind. Daken will answer anything. HONESTLY.

“Who disabled the cable box?”

“I did. Lester was watching the baseball game too loudly…”

“Uh-hm.” Mac moves back towards Daken. “What’s your favorite color?”

“Blue.”

“What’s your favorite food?”

“Chocolate.”

“What did you really do to Noh Varr?”

“That was Karla.” Daken groans. “She scared him off.”

“Uh hmm. What do you think of Norman?”

“Bumbling idiot madman,” Daken says.

Mac laughs loudly. “Oh god- they gotta see this.” He goes to the door and ushers his companions to him.

“Is he dead?” Lester asks, walking to the door.

“Better!”

“Better than dead??” Lester says excitedly. “This I gotta see!”

He pushes past Mac into the room, staring for a long minute. “What gives, Gargan?” he growls. “He’s still breathing and looks fine.”

“He’s telling the truth!” Mac says excitedly.

“What?” Lester asks in confusion.

“He’s telling the truth- about everything! Go ask him something!”

Lester looks unsure but walks to the bed. “Daken- what happened to my playboys?”

“Shredder,” he answers- not missing a beat.

“See….???” Mac says.

“What happened to Norman’s suit the other day?” Karla asks.

“Jammed a pen in his repulsor,” Daken says.

“Who keeps eating the chocolate syrup with a spoon like an animal?” Lester asks, crossing his arms.

“I do.”

“Who torched the microwave last week?”

“I did.”

“How?” Lester asks.

“Left a spoon in the bowl. Spoon is metal.”

“Heh.” Lester sits on the edge of the bed. “Who got more kills on our last mission?”

“You did- by default.”

“I knew it!” He punches the air.

“How many HAMMER employees have you slept with?” Karla asks.

“Twenty-seven.”

“Any women?”

“No.”

Karla grins. “What do you think about Mac?”

“Bumbling idiot,” Daken says with his eyes closed. “But funny.”

“He thinks I’m funny?” Mac asks, basking in what little praise was to be found in that statement.

“What do you think about Karla?” Lester asks.

“Raging bitch,” Daken says. “But she’s pretty.”

Karla laughs. “What do you think about Lester?”

“Talks too much. Too antsy. Too violent. Too crazy. Too short-tempered. Inefficient on missions. Easily distractable…. Cute.”

Lester looks as if he doesn't know how to process that.

“Do you have to shave pretty much everything so you don’t look like your old man?” Mac asks.

“I wax.”

Mac nods. “Are you ever going to kill Logan?”

Daken groans. “Probably not.”

The three Avengers cover their mouths to conceal their laughter.

“Did you really kill the Punisher?”

“He came back,” Daken says.

“But you killed him?” Lester pushes.

“Yes.”  

“Why didn’t you want to go on that Deadpool mission?” Lester asks.

“Annoyance,” Daken says.

“How often do you wash your hair?” Mac asks.

Karla and Lester turn to him in curiosity. “Why would you ask that?”

“What? It’s his number one excuse for not doing anything.”

“Every night.” Daken answers.

“Are you an only child?”  Mac asks.

“That’s complicated,” Daken says, eyes closed and turned away from them.

“What’s your old man’s biggest weakness?” Lester asks.

“Redheads.”

“What’s something you don’t want us to know?” Karla asks.

“Ugh. Lester is good in bed.” He says.

They turn to the man in question.

“He’s lying!” He says, flustered.

“Then you’re… not good in bed?” Karla asks.

“I’m fucking amazing in bed!” Lester says defensively.

“Then… he’s telling the truth.”

“Bitch-”

“How good is Lester in bed?” Mac asks. “Scale of one to ten.”

“Nine point five.  Best I’ve ever had.”

Mac grins- crocodile teeth on display.

“How did you get sick when no one else did?” Karla asks.

“Ugh. Tripped into a vat of liquid. Got sick.”

“You… tripped?” Lester laughs.

“Clumsy,” Daken replies.

Mac walks to Daken’s other side. “How good are your senses?”

“Very good.”

“But like… how good?” He presses.

“I smell everything.”

“Who smells the worst?” Mac asks.

“Tie. Ares and you. You both stink.”

“Who would you sleep with on the team- besides Lester?” Karla asks.

“No one.”

The two look at Lester, who’s turned slightly red. “Stop looking at me.” He growls.

“Are you a good driver?” Mac asks.

“No. I’m terrible,” Daken says.

“Why are you asking him stupid shit?” Lester berates. “Ask important shit fuck for brains.”

“Right. How did you get this room when they assigned rooms?” Mac motions to Daken’s room- which is bigger than the others.

“Sucked the man assigning the room’s dick,” Daken says.

Karla burst out laughing- unable to control herself.

“What’s your real name?” Mac asks.

“Akihiro. But if you use it- I’ll stab you,” he says.

“What makes you cry?” Mac asks.

“Again with the slumber party bullshit,” Lester growls.

“Dog movies,” Daken admits. “Dogs dying.”

“Awh. That’s sweet.”

“What are you scared of?”

“Master. Rats. Roaches.” Daken says.

“That’s it?”Karla asks.

“That’s it.”

“What’s you-”

“What are you doing????” Norman’s voice thunders from the doorway.

“Ugh….. answering questions,” Daken answers- truthfully, once again.

“Get out of here.” Norman hisses. “NOW.”

“Normie- you gotta see this.” Lester gets up and goes to the door, taking him by the arm and dragging him to the bed. “Ask him a question.”

Norman glares at Lester until he lets him go. “Why are you in here??” He growls.

“They wanted to see if I was dead. I’m not dead. I’m getting much better.”

Norman stares at him for a long moment. “Where did my car go last week?” He asks, experimentally.

“For a swim. I drove it into a pond.”

“You did what??” He snarls.

“Pond. Drove it to a pond. Rolled the windows down. Drove it into the water, climbed out the windows. They should be fishing it out soon.”

Norman is angry- without a doubt- but a look of realization slowly creeps into his steely gaze. “What do I need to do to get you to behave?” he asks.

“Ugh. Beat me I guess.” Daken says honestly.

The others look at each other.

“Besides violence- what do I need to do?”

“Challenge me. I’m bored. Make me unbored.” Daken yawns.

“Daken-”

He lets out a soft snore.

“No, NO, NO!” Mac says quickly. “I’m not done! What’s your favorite movie? What do you do when you leave? Where did you grow up? What’s your weirdest dream? What’s-”

Daken snores again.

“Fun’s over, Mac.” Lester taps his shoulder. “Thanks for the laughs though.”

“No- no- it can’t be over!” Mac cries in distress. 

“Now you can come talk to me about you disobeying direct orders,” Norman says cooly.   
Mac points at Lester. “He threatened to stab me!” 

“I’m sure.” Norman says, ushering them to follow him. “Leave Daken in peace- he’ll be hearing it from me as soon as he’s able to stand, don’t you worry about that.”

“Aaaahhhh.” Mac says, slumping is shoulders forward and walking to the door. 

“What’s your favorite movie??” He calls, in a last ditch attempt at keeping his game going.    
  
“Spirited Away.” Daken answers lowly just as Norman grabs Mac’s arm. 

“He’s awake!” Mac whines. “Let go back! I have so many questions!” 

“Come on Mac.” Norman growls. “Or I’ll have you cleaning toilets for the rest of the month.” 

Lester and Karla trail behind them, amused but quiet. 

“Come on….” Mac whines. “One more question- one more-”    
  
Norman drags him out of the living compartments, closing the door behind them.    
  
Karla stares at Lester. “So a nine point five, huh?” 

“Shut up,” he growls.    
  
“I’m just saying-’    
  
“Shut up!!” 

The two fall into silence and watch what’s left of the baseball game on TV.

“I would have given you an eight.” She says into the long silence.

Lester rolls his eyes and turns the TV off- leaving the room.

“Eight point five if you focused more on foreplay!” She calls after him, feeling rather smug as she has the common room all to herself- just as she likes it. 

  
Maybe tripping Daken into that vat was a good thing after all. She hadn’t really intended to kill him- no. But she did hope he’d get some kind of nasty disease- for however briefly it would last. It may not have been a serious a attempt on his life- more of a prank really. But the outcome was something quite enjoyable. She’ll have to be sure to mastermind more of her teammates injuries. Today’s been… fun. She could use all the fun she can get.

  
  
  
  



End file.
